Careers at SaaSn't

Build features for a product that does nothing. Must have 15 years of experience in a framework released 3 years ago. Comfortable with ambiguity required, as we do not know what the product does either. Reports to: unclear. Previously reported to: someone who left. The codebase is 400,000 lines of code in one HTML file. We just pasted everything there. The dev who wrote it quit. His commit messages were emoji. The last one was a skull.

Grow what? We don't know. You tell us. Then we'll tell you why it won't work in the next all-hands. Must have scaled a product from 0 to 1. We are currently at -2. Budget: $0. Expectations: unreasonable. Reporting to the CEO, who will ask you weekly whether we're 'a platform or a product' and will not accept either answer.

Define the product roadmap for a product whose core value proposition is not having one. Align stakeholders who don't agree on what a stakeholder is. Write specs the CEO will approve in 4 minutes without reading. Your roadmap will be overridden quarterly by whatever framework the CEO encountered at his last conference.

There are no customers. There is no success. The title is aspirational. Your primary responsibility is responding to Greg's Slack messages, which arrive at 2am and consist entirely of 'is anyone else seeing this' with no context. Secondary responsibility: maintaining the fiction that someone uses this product.

We're not firing Greg. We're 'exploring options.' Must be willing to work for $14/hour, operate a chat widget on a satire website, and serve as the entire legal department simultaneously. PIP experience strongly preferred. You will be compared unfavorably to a GPT-4o-mini instance that cost $200/month and hallucinated less.

We are looking for one (1) person who is Black, Chinese, Indian, Latino, Arab, Indigenous, Pacific Islander, Eastern European, Scandinavian, and Southeast Asian. They must be gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, nonbinary, genderqueer, genderfluid, cisgender, two-spirit, and asexual. Simultaneously. They must practice Islam, Christianity, Judaism, Hinduism, Buddhism, Sikhism, atheism, and astrology. They must be a man, a woman, both, neither, and something the form doesn't have a checkbox for. They must be neurodivergent and neurotypical. Left-handed and right-handed. Vegan and not vegan. A veteran and a pacifist. They must have a disability and also be an Olympic athlete. We need one person who satisfies every DEI checkbox ever conceived so that we can hire them once and never think about this again.

Do everything Sarah did but without her talent, her engineering instincts, her ability to ship 3 features during a meeting, or her eventual Google offer with a signing bonus larger than our acquisition payout. Must provide own laptop, own coffee, and own will to live. You will not be credited in the changelog.