Terms of Surrender

By accessing, browsing, or using SaaSn't ("the Product," "this thing," "why are you here"), you agree to be bound by these Terms of Surrender. If you do not agree, close this tab. You won't. We both know you won't.

SaaSn't is a satirical platform. It does not provide useful functionality, productive output, or meaningful value. This is not a bug. This is the product. By using SaaSn't, you acknowledge that you were warned, repeatedly, across multiple pages, in several font sizes, that this product does nothing. Your continued use constitutes informed consent to waste your own time.

The Hall of Cope ("HOC") is a social experiment that involves real money. By purchasing a tile, you agree to the following: (a) Tiles are digital goods. Once purchased, they are non-refundable. No exceptions. No "I didn't mean to." No "my cat walked on my keyboard." The cat knew what it was doing. (b) Payments are processed via Stripe (credit/debit) and/or supported cryptocurrency payment processors. You are responsible for ensuring your payment method is valid and funded. (c) Prices are displayed at the time of purchase and are final. SaaSn't reserves the right to adjust pricing at any time for future purchases. Existing purchases are not affected. (d) Tile content (confessions, messages, images) must not contain illegal material, credible threats, content depicting minors, or anything that would make Greg's job harder than it already is. SaaSn't reserves the right to remove tile content at its sole discretion. (e) The prize pool, leaderboard, and scoring mechanisms are operated as described on the Hall of Cope page. SaaSn't reserves the right to modify game mechanics with reasonable notice. We will try to be fair about this. "Try" is doing a lot of work in that sentence. (f) Cryptocurrency payments are processed by third-party providers. SaaSn't is not responsible for blockchain delays, gas fees, wallet misconfigurations, or the broader existential implications of paying real money for a pixel on a satire website.

By submitting content to SaaSn't (confessions, tile text, images, complaints, love letters to Greg), you grant SaaSn't a worldwide, non-exclusive, royalty-free license to display, reproduce, and distribute that content within the platform. You retain ownership of your content. We just get to show it to people. Most of them won't read it. Greg definitely won't.

Accounts are managed through Clerk, a third-party authentication provider. SaaSn't does not store your password. We don't want your password. Your password is probably "password123" and we'd rather not know that about you. You are responsible for maintaining the security of your account. If someone else uses your account to buy a tile, that's between you and them.

We collect data necessary to operate the platform: account information (via Clerk), payment records (via Stripe), usage analytics (via Vercel), and whatever your browser volunteers without being asked. For a more thorough and only slightly more useful explanation, see our Privacy Illusion.

SaaSn't is provided "as is" and "as available," which in this case means "barely." To the maximum extent permitted by law, SaaSn't shall not be liable for: (a) Time wasted (this is the product, not a side effect) (b) Existential crises induced by the Numbers tab (c) Any advice provided by Greg (d) Any predictions made by Esmeralda (e) Pigeon-related incidents of any kind (f) Emotional attachment to digital pixels (g) Decisions made while under the influence of the Pivot Simulator (h) Lost productivity (you weren't going to be productive anyway) IN NO EVENT SHALL SAASN'T'S TOTAL LIABILITY EXCEED THE AMOUNT YOU HAVE PAID TO SAASN'T IN THE TWELVE MONTHS PRECEDING THE CLAIM. Given that most users have paid nothing, this is a very short paragraph.

SaaSn't, its design, code, written content, and the character of Greg are the intellectual property of SaaSn't Inc. Gerald the pigeon is his own entity and cannot be owned. The concept of "owning a pigeon" is both legally and philosophically untenable.

SaaSn't may suspend or terminate your account at any time, for any reason, with or without notice. You may terminate your account at any time by contacting us (see: Contact page, where your message will be ignored). Upon termination, your purchased tiles and submitted content will remain on the platform. The pixels stay. They were never really yours. You were borrowing them from the grid.

SaaSn't reserves the right to modify these terms at any time. We will make reasonable efforts to notify users of material changes. "Reasonable efforts" means updating this page and hoping someone reads it. Continued use after changes constitutes acceptance. You will not read the changes. This is fine.

If any provision of these Terms is found to be unenforceable, the remaining provisions will continue in full force and effect. The unenforceable provision will be modified to the minimum extent necessary to make it enforceable, or, if that's not possible, it will be removed and we'll pretend it was never there. Like the original chatbot.

These Terms shall be governed by and construed in accordance with the laws of the State of Delaware, United States, without regard to conflict of law principles. Any disputes arising under these Terms shall be resolved through binding arbitration, unless both parties agree to let a panel of three pigeons decide. The pigeons' decision is final.